Had the stark realization today that I will probably never find anyone as unequivocally willing to be a part of my life as I am willing to be a part of theirs.
In friendship, or otherwise.
I often enjoy immersing myself in someone else’s life, when invited. Meet all of their friends and family, do the activities they (and I) enjoy. But it’s never the other way around. I’m a part of their life, yet they aren’t truly a part of mine. At the same time, I also don’t know how to let someone in far enough to even allow the opportunity to arise.
Sometimes, it seems like all I do is sit around until someone (anyone) invites me into their life, and I’m there. And when it’s done, I return to my own. But I never bring anyone back with me. As if I live my own little bubble until I escape to someone else’s, the idea of merging them failing to cross my mind.
And until I figure out how to let my world meld with someone else’s, like a venn diagram, complete social fulfillment will always be just out of grasp.
Needed to write this down lest I forget why my relationships will never reach the depth I need them to.
When was the last time I did this? I can’t even remember. Hello Tumblr.
For a while now, I’ve felt that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. I’m also finding that I’m much more deeply rooted to my current life than I thought was possible. There is honestly so much keeping me here. It’s not time… yet.
Currently looking into master’s programs for: sustainable design (probably not a standalone program), interaction design (ugh but too trendy), market research (super-fascinating lifelong interest), new media/visual communications (the most basic option), and design research (why is it so hard to find a program?). I keep toying with the idea of an MBA (something I never considered until recently) but I’m 99% sure it’s not for me. Oh and ideally this will be at a school with kickass athletics. A girl can only dream.
Honestly, the main demotivator is the application process. Academic recommendations? Is it awkward to ask my professors 4 years later? Do they even remember who I am? Why didn’t I forge strong personal connections? GODDAMMIT.
Why can’t I just pursue like 5 master’s degrees? Let’s be real, I love school.
I’m borderline obsessed with taking classes at the gym. Turbo Kick, Pilates, Zumba, Tabata bootcamp, and cardio kickboxing are currently in heavy rotation. SO FUN. I feel fucking good. If I burned off some fat, I’d be super toned. But that takes effort and food rules my life.
Life goal shortlist: design/work on exhibitions, save the environment, work for a magazine creative department, improve the daily lives of people who need it, be part of a huge tech firm, work for a travel company, and have the power to instill positive change in the world. Casual.
Working remotely and part-time for the past uhhh 5 months has been beautiful though I haven’t taken maximum advantage of this privilege and it kind of makes me feel like a bum. I sort of miss being in a regular work environment. Oh and making money.
Somewhere along the way, journaling/reflecting/writing lost their appeal. Writing was how I always figured things out. There’s just no need for that anymore. Is this growing up?
It’s like a complacent long-term relationship that you’re perpetually “meh” about. You’ve been in this situation so long that you’re just used to it. You know you can do better, but it foots the bill (and pays them). It knows you and you know it. It’s safe and predictable. And honestly, at this point, you have the ability to do whatever you want. You don’t really know why you’re still in it, yet you can’t help but justify your commitment.
The beginning was cool, maybe even exciting. You weren’t really sure what you were doing, but everything was new and we were all just trying to figure it out. Hell, you were 21 and fresh out of college. Novelty ruled all.
Three years has yielded many ups and downs on this lackluster rollercoaster ride. Growing only to contract again, repeatedly. Ambitious plans that never materialized. Short-lived excitement just enough for an energy boost in the 8th mile, but not enough to last through 13.1. It’s always the prospect of something great on the horizon that keeps you going, but in hindsight, there was nothing significant at all.
Sure, I’ve learned a lot in ways that I couldn’t have done so elsewhere. I grew through self-motivation. But would it have been more effective if it wasn’t autonomous? Or maybe I would’ve resented the handicap of being in someone else’s shadow? Don’t forget – the grass is always greener on the other side (see, justifying it again).
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Meh. September has been alternately stressful and exciting, car trouble and weddings respectively. Sure, situations could’ve been way worse, but it’s got me wondering – is what I’m doing worth it anymore? Time to start looking at alternative options. I’ve been doing it slowly over the past few months, from volunteer positions to taking classes. But I really gotta fucking do something.
